Testimony
From my
earliest memories, I was always going to church. Being raised in Baltimore
Maryland, you almost can't help it. I once heard a statistic that Baltimore had
more churches per capita than any other city in North America. I don't know if
it's true or not, but it certainly seemed that way. Every Saturday morning, we
easily drove by 20 churches as we visited our grandparents.
When it came
to going to church, I had it down cold. I knew all the right things to say and
do. I had memorized the entire service,
all the prayers, what I was expected to do or say. I knew exactly what was going to take place
and when. I figured out the best place to sit in order to quickly leave and
avoid the traffic jam in the parking lot.
I also went
to mid-week classes to learn more about church, faith, what was expected of
me. Depending on the teacher, this
informal setting was more interesting and fun.
I did learn a lot here – this is where I learned to smoke and how to
transform a can of hair spray into a portable flame thrower. But, as far as learning more about who God
was, not so much.
While I was
in church all the time[1],
I really sensed that there was something missing. I cannot explain it other than to say there
was emptiness inside; I had this “gut feeling” that something vitally important
was missing from my life. Watching from
the pew, it seemed like I was a passive spectator and the real action was in
front. Those in front were actively
involved with God and I knew that was where I belonged, but I felt so unworthy,
dirty.
I knew what was right but just couldn't
seem to do it. We were taught the 10 Commandments[2]
and the Golden Rule[3]. There were Bible readings and even a message,
but it didn't stick. I'm sure that truth, grace, forgiveness and restoration
were talked about, but I totally missed it.
As I grew, trying to do the right thing,
I failed at every turn. I would go to God and ask forgiveness, but even in
asking forgiveness I couldn't get it right. I would talk about things on the
surface but not the core problems that festered deep inside of me.
As I entered my teenage years I was full
of guilt, bitterness and anger. I started to lose control of the facade. The ugliness within was starting to breakout
all over. The venom boiling inside burst out in my language, actions, thoughts
and attitudes.
If this wasn't bad enough, I fell into a
pattern of moral failure. The guilt and shame was overwhelming, but I had no forgiveness
or power to stop. I would cry out to God for forgiveness and promise never to
do it again only to fail. This pattern of failure and shame followed by sorrow
was a continual downward spiral, pulling me into even deeper depths.
As I tried to hide my pain and failures,
I developed tremendous self-pride and arrogance[4]
as a defense mechanism. Thought the use
of intellect and arrogance, I could put up an impenetrable wall so people would
not see the scared and insecure person within.
Entering high school, I started to
develop some friendships through the basketball team. There were a handful of guys who seemed radically
different from anyone I'd ever met.
Though certainly not perfect, there was something about them. They treated one another like the real
friends that I didn't have, but so desperately wanted and needed. They
befriended me, inviting me to play basketball at their church on Saturday
mornings. I eagerly accepted, seeing
that someone was actually interested in me.
Over the next months, we developed a deeper friendship where we would
talk about more than basketball.
On one fateful day, Michael screwed up his
courage and said the words that I most needed to hear. In the parking lot of a bowling alley he told
me that God loved me. I cursed and said
that God was responsible for all of my problems, which was just another
arrogant pronouncement to deny any personal accountability. But deep in my heart I knew that I was wrong. In spite of my anger and response, Michael
said that he absolutely knew that God loved me because Jesus died in my place.
That next Wednesday, he invited me to a high
school youth Bible study. Now I had
tried to read the Bible but it just never made sense. So I accepted, thinking that I could fake my
way through it. I arrived late, the
Bible study was wrapping up and they were going to pray. Now I knew I could pray, I had prayed all my
life and had memorized more prayers than you could shake a stick at[5]. I knew how to pray from my mind so I thought
I could handle this.
Never were there words spoken that were so false.
For the first time in my life I heard people talk
to God as if he was really there. The
conversation was real and from their hearts, talking about their hopes, hurts,
needs, pain and joy. The only way that I
can describe it is that it absolutely just crushed me, I started to weep
uncontrollably. They had something that
I desperately wanted and needed but I had no clue on how to get there.
So, for the first time in my life, I actually
spoke to God. Through my tears of shame and guilt I said that I did not know
God but desperately wanted to. I had
this gaping hole in my soul that I have been trying to fill but was failing at
every point. Thinking that no one would
understand and feeling somewhat embarrassed, I left quickly, trying to escape.
On Saturday morning, the next time we played
basketball, Michael invited to come back Sunday evening for the next high
school youth meeting. This time, I got
there on time and just soaked it all in. Towards the end of the meeting,
Howard, the youth pastor asked if I would like to learn more about a personal
relationship with God through Jesus Christ.
So Michael, Howard and I went into the boiler
room of the church where they explained the incredibly good news that God
wanted a relationship with me. Imagine
that, the God of the universe who had all power and knew everything wanted me.
They explained that I had broken that relationship through sin[6],
which I eagerly knew and admitted. They
explained that I couldn't do anything about it but God had taken care of it by
sending Jesus and having him pay the price that I could not pay[7]. God did it all and my part was to receive[8].
I just looked at them and said there's got to be
something more, there's got to be something I have to do. I'm so used to trying
to fix things and myself. They explained
the beauty of it all was that I couldn't but that God had. And for the first
time in my life I had a little glimpse of what God's love and grace meant.
The three of us knelt down in that boiler room
and I agreed with God that I was broken, lost and could not fix myself. I told God that I needed Jesus to repair and
restore my relationship with him and my personal brokenness. I asked Jesus to become my Lord, my Savior
and my God[9]. With tears of release I knew for the first
time in my life that I was truly forgiven.
I walked out of that boiler room a new man in
Christ[10],
starting down a lifelong radical transformation process that continues to this
day. There were some immediate and extreme
transformations that God empowered in my life, for which I am truly
thankful. There were other areas of my
life that were struggles for years. God
continues to mature me, pointing out areas of life that need to come under his
greater control. I am so thankful to God
for his patience and kindness to me[11].
It is in response to His kindness, love and grace
that I now change the course of my life and walk towards full-time Bible
teaching through GLAD Associates. While
not worthy in any sense of the word, I know that God has both called and
equipped me for this. It is with great
humility that I am walking with God “to a land that He will show me”.
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